


Something Just Like This

by Lilla0815



Category: Atypical (TV 2017)
Genre: F/F, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-11-13
Packaged: 2021-01-30 01:28:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21419944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilla0815/pseuds/Lilla0815
Summary: Yet, when Casey kissed her, well… her whole world started spinning again and finally, she was able to see the sun after all the clouds she had endured. It was like… eating your favourite flavour of ice cream, like coming home, like… kissing your best friend and knowing that everything will be alright.
Relationships: Casey Gardner & Izzie, Casey Gardner/Izzie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 143





	Something Just Like This

Something just like this

_You know why._

_You know why._

_You know why._

They were only three words, but she could not help to stop thinking about them. Izzie was always so sure about everything and when she had said those words to Casey… well, she truly thought she was ready, she thought she was doing the right thing and finally, _finally_, say out loud what had been in her mind for months.

But maybe, just maybe, she had not thought about it like she should have, maybe she should have waited, analyse some more, collect more data and make sure that everything was in the right place and then, only then, tell her how she really felt. But Casey was not a Biology experiment, and she was not a scientist, and from everything that had happened, it was obvious that neither of them had any idea of what they were doing.

Yet, when Casey kissed her, well… her whole world started spinning again and finally, she was able to see the sun after all the clouds she had endured. It was like… eating your favourite flavour of ice cream, like coming home, like… kissing your best friend and knowing that everything will be alright.

Except nothing was alright, nothing went the way she wanted because Izzie never got what she wanted. But something proved her wrong and Casey breaking up with Evan was… the lighting in the middle of a very dark storm, that lights up the entire sky and shows you everything you have around for the very first time: Casey had broken up with Evan because she wanted to be with her. A girl. Two girls. _Together._

How? Why? What did it mean?

And Casey was so sure of herself, how to act around her, how to touch her, but… she had not realised that Casey, the person that she wanted to hold onto forever, the person she wanted to kiss, the person she wanted to run away with… Casey… was a girl. A full teenager girl.

And that hit Izzie so hard.

Izzie _needed _to be perfect. She was part of a family that had given her nothing but imperfections, messes to clean up and people to handle, but at least, when it came to herself, she could be perfect.

She needed to go to the perfect school, become captain of the running team, run faster than anyone else, and be the best at, simply, everything.

Her mom and her family never were anywhere close to it, so she had to at least try.

But deciding to be with Casey… it meant, that she… she was not perfect. Casey was a girl. She had fallen in love with a girl and Izzie… she… she was not perfect anymore.

When they had hangout in Casey’s room that night, it had felt _so right_, and fun and she was free. But as went home, her head became louder, the thoughts harsher and her breath faster. She was wrong.

Her being with Casey, despite making her feel like she could touch the moon, was _wrong._ No one knew, though, and that gave her hope because she still had time to figure things out.

Izzie would have actually paid to have someone to talk to, even for just a minute. Someone to vent these thoughts out to, to be told that it was okay, that she was going to be okay, that her, being in love with a girl, was not that bad, especially when that girl made her _so happy._ But she had no one. She did not have a mother that would listen to her, her grandmother was nice, but she knew, she would not understand... and her friends… her only real friend was Casey and she was _definitely_ out of the equation.

Izzie was, again, left alone and for once, though, she did not want to be alone.

And if things were not hard already, everything came crushing down to her, when Casey told her about Sam.

_“Gay penguins.”_

_“Gay penguins.”_

_“Gay penguins.”_

What… Why would she tell… she just… why?

Izzie hid herself in the bathroom of the hotel, for at least one hour. She tried to collect her thoughts, tried not to think of the look of pain on Casey’s face when she left her on the couch. A look of hurt that _she_ caused, that she _always_ caused, because despite loving her, Izzie was… she was the person that would hurt the girl she cared the most. She was just like her mother, it did not matter how hard she tried, she was just like her. And that confirmed how imperfect she must have been.

She needed time. Not sure how much time, but… she just needed it and she needed Casey. Izzie wiped her tears away, washed her face and decided to give it a shot. She could not and would not lose her.

She was about to knock on her door, when she heard Sharice’s and Casey’s voices. She did not want to eavesdrop, but the door was ajar and…

“_Kissing her was amazing…”_

_“She is afraid to be around me…”_

_“I’m so confused…”_

And Izzie just could not hold it anymore. She knew that Casey had told Sharice about her, but in that moment, she did not care much: her girl was confused too and just because she did not have someone to talk to, it did not mean that Casey could not vent and rant.

She entered the room and her stomach did that little flip it always did whenever she saw Casey.

So she tried to do the right thing; telling her the truth, trying to communicate, because wasn’t that what people in a relationship did? Not that they were in a relationship… or… were they? Was that what they were? She was just _so confused_.

But of course, Casey was able to understand it, because Casey just understood her, better than anyone, and definitely better that she even understood herself. She smiled at her and Izzie’s world just lighted up.

She was the sun. But Izzie flew too close to her and she almost burned herself. So, she jumped away. Far away. They just _could not_ kiss. They _could not_ see her kiss a girl. She was ‘perfect Izzie’, she was straight, and she had no feelings whatsoever for her best friend. She just ran from Casey, leaving the girl behind and on her own and just…

Izzie needed to get back on track. She needed to stop and simply follow the _normal_ script.

She found this… dude, he seemed okay, like a nice guy, and before she even understood what she was doing, his lips were on hers and she was kissing him and…

Nothing was perfect anymore, his lips seemed sandpaper and… it just felt wrong, having his hand on her cheek made her want to scream and push him away.

She parted from him for a second and she saw her, she saw her because she could recognise that tall girl everywhere in the world. She was running away, running as if she had just seen…

Izzie felt everything falling apart. Of course, she had seen her. Wasn’t that what she wanted?

Suddenly, she could not even breathe right, she took a step back and just looked herself around: the dude in front of her had a weird expression of pure confusion on his face, but she ignored it, she looked at the others and how… nobody was even paying attention to her, nobody cared about who she was kissing.

Nobody but her. And Casey.

Until that point, she had tried to hold it together, but for the first time since all of this had started, she wanted to cry; cry because she knew how much she had hurt Casey, _again_. Cry because she was just a loser, and then, cry because she knew she had just lost the only person that she could turn to and the only person that had ever genuinely cared about her.

She ran out of the room, and her first instinct was to go and see Casey, apologise to her, beg her, but she knew that it was useless, Casey needed time and she was going to give it to her, because, after all, she needed it as well.

She was not able to sleep for more than an hour, her brain kept her awake all night and she knew that she was going to screw the race up, but for once, she did not care. She was so pathetic and so stupid.

How could she do something like that? How was she able to even live with herself right now?

_She_ was the one that went after Casey, in the first place: telling her how she felt, confessing everything and, when she was _finally_ able to be with her, she would go and screw it up? What a loser.

She saw her first on the track, ready to run, and for just a millisecond, Izzie thought that maybe she was looking around for her too. But when she waved at her… and that look she gave her… Izzie just wanted to cry.

She was not focused, she did not even try to win the race, but Casey did. She had won. And she just wanted to hold her, ever for just a moment, and tell her how proud she was and how sorry she was and… she was ignored, and she just could not blame her, how could she? She would ignore herself too if she could.

Casey did not take the bus, riding with her parents and Izzie hated it, hated that, while she was left alone, Casey still had someone to go to, hated that while she had almost not been able to get up from bed, that morning, the parents of the other girl were there, cheering for her. She hated that she had no idea of who she was, and she was left alone to figure it out.

She hid herself in her bedroom for the rest of the weekend, locking the door, not getting out until dark and she knew that her siblings were asleep and her mother far far away.

Her nana had asked her what was wrong, when she had picked the kids up, earlier, but she shrugged. She was fine.

Except, she was not.

She wanted Casey. She needed Casey. She wanted to feel… like she was free again. Because she was trapped and stuck in her own mind, but with other people’s ideas in it. All their _dos _and _don’ts_.

And she thought, and she thought. And she cried, god she cried so hard.

She was just like everyone else, but Casey was not. She was special. She was special to her.

And she opened her gallery and looked at the pictures of her with the other girl and… she realised that, she was not like the rest and that being with Casey _was right._

She got to school early and waited for her like a child waits for Christmas: stressing in between feeling excitement and fear.

And then she saw her, after days of not even getting a message, days of missing her like crazy, she saw her and… she just felt _so_ much. So much from just one simple look.

And of course, she was angry, and of course she was upset and she had seen that awful, _awful_, kiss and, of course, she never wanted to see her again, but she was there, and she looked so beautiful and _god, _she had literally nothing else to lose.

And just like the first time they had kissed, she was home. Kissing Casey was like feeling safe, and happy and nothing could ever feel and be _that _right.

She knew that they were not fully okay, yet, and that they needed to talk and understand what they wanted from this, but her hand was intertwined with hers and Izzie felt like she could fly.

When she got out of the coach’s office, the first thing she thought was that maybe they were in trouble. But then, she smiled and told her about UCLA and for a second again, she feared that she was going to lose her forever. So, she gave her a choice, and she told her everything, or almost. She was not easy, she was afraid and scared but now, she knew that she wanted her, and she was going to be by her side until Casey would tell her not to. And Casey, being the wonderful person she is, understood her, and told her, like she always did, exactly what she needed to hear and then… then she was home.


End file.
